I had never heard anybody that was so scared to take a mere blood test. It took about 10 minutes for his lady partner who I didn’t recognise to convince the guy to take the test.
The second day was probably what I had never experienced in my entire life. I couldn’t understand how weather could flip from winter to 45 degrees in a matter of minutes but that’s Mzansi for you. We were chauffeured from Hilton Hotel to the audition place, somewhere in Randburg.
Mind you we were not allowed to meet any of the contestants at all so we were under tight security all the time and sometimes blind folded, only the ears could do the job and I can confirm I heard a voice of a very prominent TV Presenter from Uganda at the time in the next room as he did his HIV Test.
I had never heard anybody that was so scared to take a mere blood test. It took about 10 minutes for his lady partner who I didn’t recognise to convince the guy to take the test. Ours took just a few minutes and we were off to the orals.
I had also learnt that there were three other Ugandan couples who made it for the semi-finals and one of the three had to triumph in the end. I learnt this from our chaperon who after smoking a joint with me got loose tongued and shared some secrets, which could have got him fired by the way. But what the heck! The joints kept coming.
We entered the orals at about 10am and we killed every bit of it as we exuded confidence and sheer knowledge about almost anything they asked. We were that prepared since we used to rehearse possible questions at the hotel.
That pencil thin girl Jannette really complimented me well. She was the crazy one; I was the level headed smart one. No pun intended here. The combo sort of worked for the judges and I remember, a one Sundy, sexy eyes and Indian told me I had a nice smile.
That definitely got me thinking wrong if you know what I mean. It is such a shame that I found out she was literally the boss of the whole thing later so I had to play innocent around her, even up to now. She is still my career guide. I mean, if you can’t get the pie, pick the brain right?
Extremely bored and half-high on the next day, we entered a 500 question psychology test which was draining as hell. I can confidently say that only a strong willed person would pass such a test. It tests all the little patience you have left within you. Jannette almost gave up but it’s weird how she always listened to me. She hung in there and we were done in less than 2 hours. Some people went up to 4 pm.
After all the tests were done, they switched our driver after realising the current one was getting friendly with me. This time we got a mean looking woman who said one or two words to me throughout the week.
She wasn’t appeasing to the eye so I didn’t miss much. Somehow it got me thinking that all Zulu girls sort of behaved like her. She spoke so loudly on phone with sheer nonchalance rudely not caring about me in the passenger seat. The next day I sat in the back.
The last three days we stayed locked up doing nothing except watch TV which had been reduced to only SABC by the way. This was torture to me but I was willing to do anything to get to the house. Those goons really had me angry many a time.
And oh, within the last two days before our flight back, Jannette agreed to cuddle with me. It was that cold!
Now, I know what you are all thinking, well, am sorry to disappoint you. Nothing happened! We just slept, and yes the cuddle was nice. It was only the weather. You know what the weather does to us, well, sometimes.
It was on the fourth day in Sandton and I was getting worried what I was going to do with my friend Stella’s food stuffs I had taken for her. I had carried for her peeled matooke (Plantain) in my travel bag and you know what happens to Matooke after four days.
It automatically starts to ripen and before you know it, you smell like a brewery. I tried all means to see Stella but rules are rules. I was either going to meet her in the lobby with the plantain and get disqualified, meaning I would have chosen to go eat the cooked meal at hers or keep with my ripe matooke and well, get high on it, inside Biggie’s hotel of course.
I learnt of it much later when she told me she was in the lobby the same day we touched down and wondered why my phone was off. Truth is my phone had been confiscated immediately I checked in at the hotel. I felt bad because she was home sick and at least wanted some home cuisine. It took two months to convince her to forgive me. Tough cookie that one.
The next day, a Friday, we were taken for our last shopping outing at about 3 pm after a very heavy downpour. At the PickNPay shop where we were having lunch with our chaperon aka Miss Mean Security Lady, I saw Stella enter with a friend on the other end of the vast supermarket. I tried to convince this lady to let me go talk to my friend but she asked me one question.
“Do you want me fired young man?”
I looked at her and despised the ugly endings of her huge black lips and felt sorry for her. She was probably doing this whole driver thing to feed her toddlers. I gave up and awaited Stella’s guillotine. I shopped in rage and I remember buying 900 rand RayBan shades. Who does that? I could have saved that dime for about 20 crates of Guinness! We drove in silence back to the hotel. I was praying for one thing though, never to meet this lady chaperon ever again. How could one be so mean?
At the Hotel, She did something to me that she will live to regret!
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